Boba Chats| Mental Health Awareness Month — I Wasn’t Doing Well

TRIGGER WARNING: I’ll be touching upon topics relating to mental health, depression, anxiety, and suicide. I understand if you can’t read this. It’s fine, I would never push you. I wish you nothing but comfort and happiness.

Hi BAYOG Fam. Minty here. I have a confession to make. There’s a reason I haven’t been very productive, and kept unofficially extending my hiatus. I wasn’t doing well. To simply put it: I was in a very sensitive and fragile state. I was struggling with my mental health pretty badly since I came back from my vacation in Thailand. To the point it really did a number on my sleep… May is Mental Health Awareness month. I think many of you know how mental health is an important topic to me, as it’s something I’ve touched upon many times [1, 2, 3].

I honestly wanted to do a series of posts dedicated/related to mental health for MHAM. Still, I was struggling and now May is almost over. I may not be able to do the series of posts I envisioned, but I do want to try to do any posts that I can. Like I said, mental health is a very personal and important topic. One of my main goals for BAYOG is to try to be a source of comfort and strength to people when I can. I write things in hopes that maybe someone can relate to it, or that it can help someone in some way. We all carry a weight, and I hope I can help take off some of that weight for you. I’ll be calling these kind of more personal related posts as “Boba Chats”. Just think of it as we’re friends getting some boba (or whatever drink of your choice…I’m just getting boba cuz I’m a hella basic Asian chick) as we rant and talk about life.

I’m not a professional, and I definitely don’t have my shit together. But I share my personal stories and thoughts to remind people that they’re not alone. I say certain things because I know how it feels. I’ve been there. I say these things because I genuinely understand. I know how it feels, and I know it’s something people need to hear. Because it’s something I wish I had. There were times I felt like I felt so helpless and alone. I had people, but I was so afraid to reach out. I didn’t want to burden anyone. Yet, at the same time…I wish I had someone and wished someone could understand me. I hope I can be a source of support and comfort for you.

Last year, I felt like I was at my lowest point. I literally felt dead inside. I felt so hollow and worthless. I lost all will to live. I honestly planned to kill myself then. My mental state wasn’t as bad as last year. I wasn’t actively looking for an end. Although, I won’t lie. I wondered about an end. Things like “If a car were to hit me…” I’m not trying to kill myself this year. However, the truth is I’m just going with the motions. I’m living each day to get to the next, waiting for that end.

As I said, I haven’t been doing well. When I was in Thailand I could hear and feel the judgement and pressure from my relatives. Yeah, I shouldn’t care what anyone says or thinks. Still, it’s incredibly painful and heavy. Constantly hearing and feeling the same thing made me feel more and more like a worthless failure. I had so much anxiety and stress that I couldn’t sleep for nearly two months. I would just lay in bed and stare at the dark ceiling as my anxiety, stress, and thoughts echoed louder and louder in my head.

The thing is everyone has their own demons and struggles. We all carry some sort of weight. For some, it’s crushing. Sometimes things feel so heavy, it really does feel like I have a heavy weight crushing me. There are times I feel as if I can’t breathe. Like I said, I’ve got my fair share of crap to deal with. Over the years, everything piled up and crushed me over and over again. I used to be known as such a positive person. People still think I am, because it’s become the persona I show. Over the course of the years, I’ve become more and more cynical. I’ve more more and more pessimistic. My self-esteem and my confidence barely there.

There are days I feel the color “black”. Nothing but darkness and emptiness; A never ending void. There are times I just want to cry. I’ll find myself staring into the dark and cry until I finally fall asleep. In those moments I sometimes feel so fragile and sensitive. There are times I also can’t seem to control my words and actions. It’s like my head knows what’s going on, that there are things I shouldn’t do or say. Still, I become reckless and say them. There were many times I would say some concerning things and try to pass it as a joke. I’d say things in a joking manner, but a part of me is being serious. I’ve said things like, “I’m doing alright. I mean I’m dead on the inside, but at least I’m breathing?” A part of it is because I want to reach out for help, for someone to understand and comfort me.

The thing is, these things come in waves. Sometimes the wave is gentle, and it’s fine. I can deal with it, or I barely notice it. There are other times that I just feel great waves of sadness and anxiety. There are times I feel that big empty void. In those moments negative thoughts and memories echo so loudly. There are times I feel so overwhelmed I feel like my chest is being crushed by an invisible weight. Sometimes I feel so suffocated that I can’t breathe.

Due to personal/family circumstances, I’ve been stuck. There are people in my family who have very poor health and/or are very weak due to their age. I’m the eldest, so as with most Asian households, it was expected of me to do everything to help my family. Since as long as I could remember, I’ve always helped out my family. Even as a little kid. Around my sophomore year of high school, my mom, stepdad, and grandma moved to a much smaller town than I was used to. It was in the South, and I was definitely not used to it. Truth be told, I hated it (and still do).

I lived here for a year. In that year, I didn’t really make any friends. I never went out either. It was always home, school, then straight to the restaurant. There were alot of expectations and restrictions on me. I hated everything. I never considered it home. I was also bitter because I felt like I couldn’t be kid. I was forced to be an adult. I was known as the quiet and sweet one, but I threw a fit to live with my dad and move back to Florida. I wanted to apply to and attend college back home. I finally got some freedom, and was able to escape some of the stress and anxiety. However, I still would go back during my winter/summer breaks to help my family. I would get guilt tripped. It was my duty. My family gave me so much, so I was expected to do what I could. It was also me working for college money. It was fine, because I was able to have my own space when I went back to college.

My college years were dear to me. I really tried hard to push myself out of my comfort zone. I tried so many different things, and tried to widen my horizons. For once, I was able to be like any other kid too. I was able to go out, and have fun. I thought I really grew and improved. However, at the same time, my family was struggling with alot of things. There were also bigger health issues too. After graduation, I moved back because of those issues. I thought it would be temporary. It was not. I still hate this place. I tried to get out. Sadly, job hunting didn’t go well. My self-esteem and confidence took a deeper nose dive. I felt like trash. I did finally have a few opportunities that seemed hopeful. In the end those didn’t work out, or my family forced me to turn it down. I mean, they even got my whole family in Thailand involved. I get it, people may think, “You’re how old and allowed your family to do that? Why?” I’m Asian. Asian families are with you for life, and will dictate everything. They’re especially hard on me because I’m a girl too. I’m not trying to say that I’m a selfless person. I love my family. I know they’ve done alot of me, and there is a certain obligation I have due to our bond and my cultural upbringing. I’m not perfect. I have so many flaws. I know I’m lacking in many things. I’m selfish, and there were times I pulled mini escapes. I had to if I wanted to keep myself mentally sane. I need the break. However, I’m also a coward. I have nowhere else to go, and no resources. I’m also so afraid of the worst case scenario. I remember being told if I wasn’t here, it would be my fault if someone died. I’m afraid of that happening. I’m afraid of regrets and blaming myself if I weren’t here, and if someone were to actually die. I’m miserable to be stuck here, but I’d also be miserable if something were to happen.

So I’ve mostly given up. I’ve grown to be more complacent. I’m tired. Tired of struggling. I’m tired of trying so hard to run away, but find myself dragged back. I hated the restaurant business so much, because I was forced into it my whole life. I tried to escape, but always get dragged back. It’s also sad that as much as I hate it, it’s the only thing I’m good at. So I’ve settled with sucking it up, and accepting the reality.

I get it, people will say to just do what I want. However, for me…I need to be realistic. Choices aren’t always black and white. Choices are never easy. Each choice can have consequences. Some have greater consequences than others. There’s always uncertainty. There’s no guarantee for things to be how you imagine it. I have to face my reality: I have no ambitions. I don’t even know where to go, or what to do. All I can do is continue to work hard and breathe another day. I need to suck it up, and just make money to live. Sometimes you have to make the choice that you hate.

I’m tired of feeling mediocre, and like I’m not enough. I’m tired of unsolicited advice. I’m tired of invasive questions. I’m especially tired of people’s judging eyes and comments. It’s to the point that it’s done a number on my mental health. It feels as if I’m being pierced by everyone’s judgmental gazes. I immediately get panic attacks when I get surrounded by people, or when they ask me questions. Questions like “What do you do?” and “What’s your real job?” put me on edge and make me so uncomfortable. I know, I’m a loser. Still, my strength is that I work hard. I work earnestly everyday. I may hate it, but I’m still doing my best. Yet, it’s like I’m going nowhere. I know that, I don’t need people to remind me. Which unfortunately happens alot. It hurt me hear certain things from people who don’t know me.

I already feel like I have very little room to stand and breathe. Still, despite feeling like I was struggling and drowning…I’ve tried my best. There are times when I’ve hit rock bottom, and finally managed to pull myself back up. Just when I think I’ll be okay, I feel as if I’ve been kicked back down.

I know about other people’s success. So many of my friends are working amazing jobs, getting paid hella money, and living their best life. I have friends who own their own home now. I have friends who are getting married and are having kids. I’m envious, but happy. I genuinely feel happy for everyone for setting goals, reach their goals, and just living their best life.

Yet, I feel like I’m constantly reminded of my faults. I’ll never forget a friend’s mom boasting about how well her kids were doing. Then give me the harshest judgmental look. I remember being shot dirty I dread any family gatherings because of these things too. Being at my uncle’s wedding was a joyous occasion. It was just bragging and gossiping of this person and that person. Then I would get interrogated, and again…the same looks and sayings. Even for stupid things like my lack of a dating life. I’ve never dated or had a boyfriend. So what? Yet, I’ve been made to feel like a freak. I wanted to shrink away and disappear.

I know that I’m getting closer to my thirties. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m where I have to be because of circumstances. I still don’t know what to do with my life. I’m still trying to figure it out. I’m still trying to come up with plans on what to do. I’m still working hard and doing an honest day’s work. Despite everything, I’m trying hard. I’m just trying hard to live, please let that be enough for now.

It’s weird how little things grew and grew, and ended up affecting me in such a big way. I’ve become so self-conscious, and full of self-loathing at times. I’ve come to have some serious self-esteem issues. Which again, I would joke about alot. I say I’m garbage/trash all the time. Still, I didn’t really know how low my self-esteem was until recently.

During my trip back from Thailand, I had a layover in Korea. My sister was using the airport’s wheelchair service. The lady was pushing my sister in the wheelchair as I walked behind them. At one point she stuck her hand/arm out towards a trash can. “You can go.” I was like, “I know I’m garbage…but…ouch…” It took me a while to realize she was trying to point to the moving walkway that the trash can was next to. I’m become so self-conscious of my faults. That I wouldn’t even really question it. It’s difficult to take compliments. I always feel like I don’t deserve them, that they’re just white lies.

These were some of the things that just added or caused my stress and anxiety. From the time I went to Thailand, to the month afterwards…I had trouble sleeping. I couldn’t sleep. I’d lay in bed and stare in the darkness. I was overcome with stress, anxiety, loneliness, and this big empty void. Sometimes I’d cry for anywhere from a few minutes, to an hour. I just waited for my body to shut down from exhaustion. I felt frustrated. It was like everything was bottled up. I felt the need to release the weight…but again, was too afraid to talk to someone. I didn’t want to worry anyone or burden them. So I turned to All That We Hope to Be. It definitely helped lighten the load. I found myself saying, “This. This is exactly it.” I found myself reading it in the dark during most of those sleepless nights.The waves grew smaller for the time being. I never know when I’ll be hit by another big wave…but I’m trying… I’ve been doing better at opening up and talking about my problems with friends instead of bottling everything up. Although I’m taking it very slowly, because I’m still so cautious. I’m also just taking baby steps, setting little goals, and planning little things that bring me joy.

We’re all dealing with our own struggles. Some people can’t understand the magnitude of pressure people deal with, or the weight that they carry. For some of you/us, it’s incredibly heavy. I just want to say that I see you, and I understand. Sometimes we’re able to deal with it, and there are times where we cannot. I just want to say I’m so proud of you. You’ve done well to try to carry all of that weight for so long. I hope one day that weight will lessen, or that you may be able to put that weight down for a while. I apologize for the long rant, and if it’s incoherent…again I’ve been sleepless for so long… I want to also say, if you ever need someone to talk/vent to…I’m a message away. I know I just talked about being afraid of judgement and being a burden…but I get it. Don’t worry, I’m down here with you too. You’re never a burden. I’m a message away if you want to chat, or if you just want to share memes or something. My inbox is always open.

I just want to end this post with something I always tell my friends:

I hope your today is easier than your yesterdays friends.