It’s Okay — Finding Comfort in Series and Games

Hello dear friends, Minty here. I thought that today I’d do a bit of a special post. Before I do that, I need to warn you that I may get a bit personal and talk about some serious matters. So TRIGGER WARNING: I am touching on mental health; Including depression and suicide. If you are in a state where you’re uncomfortable with it, it’s okay. There’s no need to force yourself. I wish you nothing but comfort and the best friend.

If I had to be honest…I haven’t really been able to find the will to really post things. It’s not because I don’t enjoy writing. I actually do love writing the posts I put on BAYOG. However, I’ve just been pretty low energy. I’ve been a bit open with the fact that I’ve been struggling with myself. It’s also the holiday season too. As I’ve said in my Winter playlist post, the holidays isn’t always a time of joy for everyone. It’s been a known fact that it’s the time of year where there’s a spike in depression and suicide. December 18th also marks the one year anniversary of the passing of Kim Jonghyun. He was the leader and main vocalist of the K-Pop band SHINee. He died after committing suicide. All this made me think it should be something to talk about. This may be a bit of a lengthy post, but I promise there is a point.

I’ve said it before, I’ve been struggling alot with my myself and my mental health. People think I’m strong and brave because I always smile and try to act like I am. I have alot on my plate. I’m dealing with alot of internal and external pressure. Though pressure and expectations from others weigh alot, they aren’t nearly as heavy as what I put myself through. There are good days where I feel like my spirits are flying high in the sky. Then there are bad days where I feel completely dead inside; Truly.

Sometimes I feel like an empty shell that could be swept away by the slightest breeze. I had been a bit more vague before when talking about this topic here and here. So let me be a bit more direct for the first time ever. Earlier this year I felt the lowest I had ever been; The darkest I had ever been. I was in alot of pain, and I felt completely detached to everything and everyone. By definition, I was alive and breathing. However, it was the opposite of how I felt. I felt empty. I was alive, but I felt like I wasn’t really here. I found myself in the darkest depths I had ever been. I seriously considered killing myself. I was set to. I was about to write my goodbye letters when I received a message from my best friend (who knew nothing). It just lucked out that she unknowingly pulled me back. Thus, here I am now. Don’t worry. Though I’m still struggling, I’m mentally in a better place than I was then. 

Like I said, I’m not good at being open about what’s going on in my head. I fear judgement, and I fear worrying and hurting the people who matter to me. I feel anxiety, fear, and pressure if I were to be completely honest to people. A part of it may be due to me trying to admit I most likely have depression and anxiety to some people in the past. I got shrugged off, told to “Get over it”, and told that I was “seeking attention”. I’ve also had my trust broken by some people I thought I could really trust and rely on. Thus, I keep to myself. However, I’m trying to be more open. But it’s difficult. At least now, I do have 2-3 people I can somewhat rely on. They were the only ones I’ve been able to be more straight forward to about this. However, I still find it hard to be completely open about everything. I just don’t want to worry them. “I’m already sinking, I shouldn’t drag you down with me.”

Nights are tough on me. Sometimes nights are comforting because of the silence. There’s less noise going on. However, sometimes that silence is torturous. Sometimes it seems like the silence amplifies all the things weighing on my mind. Again, I feel like I’m drowning. I feel exhausted by everything. Often times, I end up feeling so overwhelmed. I have all these things weighing on me, but it’s still too hard for me to reach out. So I do what I can do to help ease that discomfort, to help lighten things weighing my mind. Sometimes I end up playing games, because it’s a good distraction. It keeps me focused on something else so I don’t have to dwell on what makes me feel so heavy. But for the most part, I end up listening to music, reading webtoons/manga, or watching an anime or drama. If you haven’t noticed, I’m very particular with my choices. That is, I tend to gravitate towards series that I can honestly relate to. It helps remind me that I’m not alone. The fact that certain characters or scenarios are portrayed there reminds me that someone most certainly feels and understands the same things. 

So let me again share some of the things that helped me stay afloat when I felt exhausted.
-Webtoon|All That We Hope to Be
This is my favorite webtoon of all time. It’s a simple comic about animal characters. However, it does a perfect job of telling very relateable stories and situations. I related so deeply to many of the characters that it felt like my heart had been put into a webtoon. It feels so incredibly genuine, and you know that the author really put himself into his work. This series will always be incredibly dear to me. 
-Webtoon|The World Where I Belong
This webtoon specifically deals with the topic of mental health. It really hit home at times. I loved this series in that it also tries to show you how mental health affects the characters. I honestly think this is a good series that can help people try to understand those struggling with mental health. 
-Korean Drama| Flower Boy Next Door
Though it seems like a sweet and fluffy romance series, it touches on some heavy stuff. The main character was struggling with anxiety, depression, and other things. I honestly related to everything. There are times I can’t even express how I feel into words. However, this drama was able to do that for me. It was so incredibly comforting to find a character I truly related with.
-Game| Raft
This was a game that in a way helped me “escape” the things I was worried about. Just a bit was enough to help give me some breathing space. Trying to survive by finding resources helped me focus on something else. However, the thing I loved most was just staring at the water and the sky. I’m not able to get out much. So despite it just being a game, I found it soothing to watch the ocean waves, the sunrise, and the moon and stars in the game. 

Please tell me the things you like that help you deal with your most exhausting moments. What are the series you like to read? What are the dramas or movies that you like to watch? Which parts really resonated with you? I truly want to hear it. 

I know, this was a very long post, and it may have been a bit irrelevant to our blog’s usual content. However, I know that this time of year can lead people to a place that’s really dark. So I did want to talk about it. I wanted to share the things that helped me stay afloat when I was drowning in my negative thoughts and emotions. I hope these can be a source of comfort to you during this time of year. I also wanted to once again say something as well.  If you feel like you’re drowning and like you’re completely exhausted, it’s okay. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad, or try to invalidate what you’re going through. If you feel the need to reach out to someone, I’m happy to listen. I mean it when I say that I understand. I know it can be hard to open up to someone, especially a stranger. But I promise no judgement and no pressure. I will simply listen with an open heart and open ears. With that, I’d like to leave you all with a song. This song sung by Lee Hi was written by Jonghyun. I find it to be an incredibly comforting song in the times where I’m completely exhausted. I hope it’s message can be a source of comfort to you as well.

“When I’m all cried out, thank God that there are books, films, and songs to do the job for me. “

-Tablo (Daniel Armand Lee/Lee Seon Woong) of Epik High | Blonote: pg 134