Boba Chat| Mental Health Awareness Month — Self-Care, Lessons, and Gratitude

Hi friends. This Boba Chat post will probably be my last post for MHAM.
I apologize for rushing things, and cramming it all together last minute. I also know it’s not the usual content people expect from our blog. I’m not even sure if it’s content people want. Still, it was important to me. I just wanted to address all these things because I know many people are affected by it; Even some of our friends and readers. So that’s why I wanted to do these posts. I opened up about not doing too well in my [First] MHAM post. I also talked about how I deal with everything and heal myself with music in my [Second] post. I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read my posts, for understanding, and for showing me kindness, love, and support. Today, I’ll be talking about important things like self-care, the lessons I’ve learned, and the gratitude I feel.

I’ve struggled with alot of things over the years. There were alot of things I would just keep to myself. I developed alot of insecurities and self-hatred. I was always trying to please others, and live for others. I was face alot of darkness. The struggle is hard. However, the waves come and go. Some days, they’re strong and dark. Other days, it’s gentle. Despite the pain and negativity, I learned alot of things. One of the lessons I’ve learned is to love myself. Although, it can be quite difficult. Still, on the days I’m not clouded by the negativity, I remind myself that I am worthy of love. I am me. There’s only one of me. I work hard. My lungs work hard to breathe. My heart works hard to keep me going forward. It’s fine to love others, but I must also love myself. I’m not perfect, but that doesn’t mean I’m unworthy of love. I shouldn’t be afraid. I shouldn’t hide. I need to remember I’m not worthless. I -AM- precious. Before I love others, I should love myself.

I think BTS’ “Epiphany” by Jin, perfectly fits this. It is on my Airbag Playlist. This song is from the Love Yourself 結 Answer album. It is part of the Love Yourself trilogy albums. I honestly loved the concept and ideas from these albums. This song is a profound realization and declaration to oneself. Despite my flaws and insecurities, I am worthy and I should love myself.

I’m the one I should love in this world
Shining me, precious soul of mine
I finally realized so I love me
Not so perfect but so beautiful
I’m the one I should love

방탄소년단 BTS | Epiphany | Trans: Genius

I know it may seems silly. However, BTS’ Love Yourself albums had a profound effect on me. People may think things like “It’s just K-Pop” or “It’s just some boyband”. However, I found the thoughts and messages behind the albums to be really meaningful. It made sense, and it made me reflect on myself. It’s easy to love. However, love is hard to define. It can be a number of things. It can be shown in a number of ways. We love easily, and we can hurt easily. Sometimes we also put on a mask in hopes of receiving love. However, we can learn from love. Loving oneself seems like a simple and obvious idea. However, I think it’s one of the most difficult lessons. The albums made me think alot, look into my own life, and look into my own thoughts and feelings. It really made me realize how much I would love others, but not myself. So it was from then that I wanted to practice learning how to love myself.

Self-care is such an important part when it comes to loving yourself. It’s making yourself a priority, and recharging yourself. You need to look after yourself and your well-being. Eat the things you enjoy. Take care of yourself. Do the things that you enjoy. Do the things that make you happy. We already know one of the things I love to do is listen to music and sing. I also love to write lyrics. It makes me feel lighter. When I write lyrics or work on music, I get really focused in what I do. It’s a positive thing for me. I’m also always so incredibly proud of myself for being able to finish something. I’m even happier to know that people listen to me sing and enjoy my lyrics.

I think something that’s become a major part of my self-care is when I do my skincare and makeup. Yes, I’m a basic Asian chick. I’ve always been interested in Asian makeup, and K-Beauty in particular. I’ve been following K-Beauty trends for over a decade now. However, I started getting more into skincare a few years ago. K-Beauty skincare routines were known for it’s multiple and meticulous steps. I didn’t get as detailed as the 13 step Korean skincare routines. I just did cleansers, toners, moisturizers, and spot treatment. I’ll occasionally do face masks too. Boy do I have alot of face masks… Although, now I’ve also added serums and eye creams into my regimen. I make sure to thoroughly do my skincare routine everyday. First off, it’s good for me and my skin’s health. It helps make my skin healthier, and I’m taking care of myself. I just find it really relaxing too. It’s soothing to gently tap the products into my skin. Like when I work on music, I become very focused on each skincare step. So I’m putting all my attention and energy into something positive. It’s not so much about how I look, but how I feel. I always feel really great after finishing my skincare routine.

Doing my makeup is the same thing. I lack self-esteem and self-confidence. However, I meticulously do my makeup. I spend alot of time in a very focused, but relaxed state when I do my makeup. I didn’t really wear or use makeup until around my senior year of high school. Even then it was just eyeliner and eventually BB cream. I originally used make up to help me look more awake when I’m tired (still do). However, I’ve grown more accustomed to using makeup over the years.

I’ve experimented, and grown out of my comfort zone. Although, I tend to stick to the more subtle looking Korean beauty trends and looks. I’m not amazing at it, but I do what I like and what works for me. I’m very meticulous with my eyeliner and will take the time to make sure it’s as straight and sharp as possible. I meticulously choose the colors of eye-shadows and lip-tints I’ll use. I admit I probably have way too much skincare and makeup products. Still, I enjoy them. I’ve enjoyed how it helps me focus on myself, and dedicate some time and care to myself. I’m always taken aback when people compliment me on my skin or my makeup. However, it really helps me feel good about myself and boosts my self-esteem.

Depression, anxiety, sadness, loneliness, emptiness…these negative emotions can be so overwhelming and frustrating. It drags you to a dark place. However, I’ve been trying to see it from another light. As painful as it all is, it’s something that’s also helped me grow. It’s given me experiences to learn and grow from. The most positive take I can think of is that it’s taught be kindness, understanding, and empathy. I’m not perfect, but I recognize people who are struggling or feel broken like me. I know how it feels when you’re in a fragile and vulnerable state. I know what it’s like to be lonely or in alot of pain, but feel like you’re unable to talk about it. I know what it feels like to struggle with trying to open up and to lean on someone. Sometimes you want company and understanding, but you’re taken over with fear. Fear that you won’t be understood, that you’ll be blown off, that you’ll lose people, fear of judgement, and so on.

I know it’s hard to reach out and ask for company. So in those times I like to reach out and offer and provide a safe place of love and support. I give them a safe and judgement free space. Still, I know it’s hard and uncomfortable to open up. So I also always offer to just send memes or cute animal pictures when they need something to lift up their spirits. I like to surprise my friends with random small gifts. I sometimes randomly have cookies or candies sent to their homes. I may not be perfect. However, sometimes what’s important is to just show that you care and that you’re there. Sometimes you don’t need to say anything. Sometimes a small kind act can bring a bit of joy, and that alone is enough. Over the past year, after my own darkest moment, I noticed I’d do this more often too. I found myself reaching out to others as much as I can. Even those I didn’t know, or didn’t know very well. The wonderful thing is that I’ve made some new friends, and I’m glad that we can be there for each other.

One of the most important things I’ve learned through the darkness, is who is a true friend. It’s not easy when you’re struggling with the darkness. It’s not always easy to deal with the darkness, or know how to handle the situation. It can be overwhelming for some people. Some people will ultimately walk away or ignore it. I’ve been hurt many times before. I’ve had people I thought were my friends. I’ve been used and tossed aside at whatever was convenient for them. I’d be there for them, but they were never there for me. When I told them I was in pain or struggling, I would be met with cold and hurtful things. It’s one of the things that made me close up my own heart, and made me afraid to open up. I’m generally friendly to everyone, but it takes a while for me to really feel close to someone. I get along with just about everyone, but my friend circle is pretty small.

I don’t really have many opportunities to make friends or hang out with people. I’m only able to hang out with them during rare visits. For the most part my friendships are maintained by gaming online, texting, and social media. I’m states and worlds apart from my friends. All I do is work, sleep, and eat. I don’t get alot of free time. I’m also shy and a bit socially awkward. However, over the years I’ve learned who truly cared about me. I’m really blessed to have kind, loving, and understanding friends. I’m really, truly, fortunate to have been able to have a group of friends that fully support and understand me. They don’t judge me. They’re patient with me. They try to understand me. They’re just always there for me. We’re all so very far apart, and we rarely get to meet up in person. Everyone’s living really different lives and goals. Despite the distance and circumstances, our friendships is still as strong as ever. Perhaps even stronger. As we’ve gotten older, we’ve experienced so much together. We’ve made alot of memories. We’ve also been able to expose our scars and rely on each other. We’re always wishing the best for each other. We’re always there for each other, even when the world’s been against us.

We’re friends man, yeah
Don’t apologize man, yeah
No matter what you do I’ll understand
It’s us against the world

When the world does us wrong, yeah
When our love abandons us, yeah
Always there beside me were my friends
It’s us against the world

Be happy, man
Get rich, man
Meet the right one and live a good life, man
Be happy, man
I love you, man
Meet the right one and love your daughter, man
Man, man

Epik High| Us Against The World| Trans: Genius

I have many people I’m thankful for and grateful to. However, I want to really thank my BAYOG fam. I was never one for blogging. I was also never one to really say what’s on my mind. However, I’m eternally grateful that the bros invited me to be a part of this team and family. It’s given me a new experience, and something new that I enjoy. It’s given me an outlet to talk about what I like and what’s on my mind. It’s also given me an opportunity to do something positive. When I first joined, I was a bit nervous. This started with the guys. I wasn’t originally a part of it. Not to mention my interests and areas of expertise were vastly different. I was afraid I might step on some toes. I knew BAYOG was a precious project for the bros, and I was afraid I might ruin it. I thought I’d always have to run by things by them. However, I was surprised when they all told me I really didn’t need to. Instead, the bros gave me full control and support to do whatever I wanted. They said they had complete trust in me and whatever I did. I’m just really grateful that the bros have always given me complete trust and support in all that I do. Being a part of BAYOG has been a great experience for me. I’ve been able to delve into things I like even more. I also always enjoy seeing people enjoy and comment on the things I’ve written. Thanks to this experience, I’ve also been able to make new friends. I feel like it’s been a positive outlet for me, and it’s given me an opportunity to do something positive for others. You know, I often think of myself as a failure with not talents and very little to be proud of. BAYOG makes me feel really proud though, and makes me feel like I’m actually good at something. So really, I want to thank the BAYOG bros (Kenny @blackandyellowog , Nick @rokutsu , Marc @cmdrcluckcluck , and Loha @loheezy . I also want to thank you our readers! You guys are my BAYOG Fam and I’ll always treasure that.

The last lesson I learned is to be able to appreciate and enjoy the small and simple things. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been in that darkness for so long, but the smallest thing could really bring me alot of joy. It could be enjoying a delicious meal, drinking boba, or simply closing my eyes and enjoying the breeze. Sometimes it’s just listening to music, playing music, writing music, watching a movie, an anime or drama. Other times it’s just hanging out with my sister or friends. It could be something as simple as getting ice cream or grabbing a meal together. Sometimes it’s just playing a game together. There are also times when I make someone smile, or when someone compliments me on something. They may seem like small, ordinary, and insignificant things. However, they’re precious moments to me. They’re moments where I felt relaxed and enjoyed my time with someone. They’re little moments that made me feel like I was actually living. There’s a difference from just breathing, and to actually live and enjoy a moment. The future is ambiguous and scary. I feel like I’m just aimlessly running towards something. At times I feel worn out. These little moments let me stop and catch my breath. It’s great to have big happy moments. However, sometimes those seem so rare for some people. Little and simple things happen all the time, and are all around us. There’s a simplistic beauty in those little things. It’s something that comforts me and tells me to keep going.

I apologize if lately my posts are a bit disorganized and incoherent. I’m still sleepless, but I am doing better. I’m sorry if these posts weren’t something you wanted or expected. Still, thank you for taking the time to read them. Whatever your struggle may be, I wish you love, happiness, and peace of mind. I may not know your story, but I know it can be difficult. I just want to say that you are enough, that you are worthy, and worthy of being loved. You’ve done well to carry that weight upon your shoulders. May the weight you carry become lighter over time.

I hope your today’s and tomorrow’s become easier and less painful than your yesterday’s.